“Stan” thought he’d hit the jackpot when he met, courted, and then married “Suzette.” It was a second marriage for both of them.
Plus they both also had, long term, live-in relationships. Suzette was like no one he’d ever met. He felt blessed and grateful to be her husband. Mind you, Stan knew he had flaws. He admitted as such, and worked to improve himself. After all, it was so good
being married to this woman. And the many times she pointed out his flaws, he did whatever it took to correct them.
What puzzled Stan was why the good and even neutral parts of their marriage couldn’t be sustained. No matter what, Suzette found some way to upset things. She’d push and complain, nag and bitch, ignore and scold, until the situation would degenerate into living hell for her husband. After anywhere from an hour to a day later, she’d act as though she did absolutely NOTHING wrong. And when Stan would react like virtually anyone would after abuse, Suzette would blame HIM for starting trouble. It was as if the woman had amnesia.
It turns out she did have a self-imposed form of amnesia. This is because she had Borderline Personality Disorder. They are so well defended that their sense of reality is warped. Suzette and other women with this disorder, project their particular Borderline failings and behaviors onto their husbands.
In battles and arguments they don’t necessarily have to be right. But they absolutely cannot be wrong when it comes to how they behaved. When the two of them had normal, spousal arguments, Stan almost relished them because they were based in
reality. Suzette could admit being wrong concerning a logistical mistake like being late, or technical mistake like knocking something over, etc. And she’d easily accept Stan’s apology when it came to something like that which he had done. BUT….when Stan would apologize for his reactions to HER borderline, abusive behavior toward him, THIS apology she could not accept.
When he’d catch her blatantly lying, she’d scream, “I don’t lie! When I lie, it’s because YOU taught me to do it! But I DON’T lie!” Borderline wives are notorious for browbeating and tongue lashing their husbands. When caught red handed, the response is the
same. “I don’t ever brow beat! When I do, it’s because you (he) deserve(s) it. But I DON’T browbeat!” It’s truly the bizarre world story of “Alice Through The Looking Glass.”
So what happens when a husband like Stan, would fight back against a Borderline
woman like Suzette during one of these browbeatings? It would be like throwing water on a grease fire. It only made it worse. However, like any normal man, when Stan finally would reach his saturation point, he’d glare her down, while firmly, sharply, and intensely using his voice to let her know that he’d had enough. Then like any man, Stan would stay the hell away from her, usually going to sleep in another room.
Then, as virtually always happens with a Borderline woman, Suzette would wake up the next day in the most cheerful of moods. Not having the slightest idea why Stan was upset. Of course that gave her ammunition to point out how he’s always ruining good times by needlessly starting trouble. The one constant that Borderline wives all share is that they believe there are NO consequences for their behavior, NONE.
So why did Stan wait eight years before deciding he was finished? It’s because when a Borderline like Suzette is good, she is BEYOND good. Even worse, she’s not being phony while acting lovingly toward her husband. If she was faking, then it would be easy to realize it. This is a woman who goes from “I have the most wonderful husband in the world!” And then within an hour tells him he’s a disgrace as a husband and she is sorry she’d ever met him, let alone married him.
Finally, one year after deciding he was through, Stan filed for divorce. Now the real nightmare began. When divorcing a borderline woman, everything in the normal world is thrown out. If a man is divorcing a shrewish, histrionic witch, it’s still a cakewalk if this witch isn’t a borderline.
Logical deals have no bearing on a borderline woman like Suzette. Stan wasn’t out to get her. He just wanted to be away from her. She got worse and worse and more vindictive. Stan’s lawyers threw everything they had at her. If they’d been going against a NON-borderline witch, Stan’s side would have crushed her in two days. Sort of like the way an antibiotic defeats a bacterial infection. But doing the same thing when divorcing a BORDERLINE woman, is like getting antibiotics for a viral infection. They are ineffective.
So what to do? In virtually every divorce case, especially with a crazy, the advice is to do everything possible to not go to court. Yet the opposite is true when dealing with a Borderline woman. Borderlines cannot go under oath. They intrinsically know they could be exposed. This means after the man’s side does everything possible to secure a deal in one month, but as expected, comes up empty, then it is imperative the next step should be right to the courtroom. It will be way less expensive than having the Borderline and her lawyers drag things out to cause pain and run up bills.
Stan and his lawyers learned this the hard way. Every time they did things with unrelenting, maximum effort the regular way, and things appeared to be heading to a conclusion, Suzette would FIRE her attorney! She wound up using FIVE of them. All she really wanted was revenge. She wanted to continue to draw this out, not only to run up Stan’s legal costs, but to do whatever she could to continue heaping emotional abuse on him in the process. Then off course, this borderline woman would blame Stan and HIS attorneys for doing it to HER!
Always remember, logic and reality have no bearing when dealing with a Borderline woman. Only unrelenting pressure, and the potential to expose the REAL her, will make any headway in a borderline divorce. Please recall, they believe there are NO consequences for anything they do or say. So they will do or say anything if it suits them. Unfortunately in California Family Court, these women get away with a majority of the false and reprehensible things they do and say. The man and his legal team were
always ethical and honest. And that is how it should be. However, they must also be ramrod tough, relentless, and unbending in the effort to get the Borderline out of his life as quickly and as fairly as possible.
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD came up with this list that must be checked before any man decides to get married.
In summation; Stan absolutely stated he had many flaws and was never blameless for all bad things in this marriage. However, borderline woman Suzette denied ever causing any problems in the relationship. In fact, she relentlessly blamed all of the things she was doing to Stan, as things HE was doing to HER!
To this day, Stan readily says that Suzette gave him the greatest days of his life. But he understands the price he paid in emotional abuse was nightmarishly heavy. In a metaphorical sense, Stan got a shining five-thousand dollar gold bar from Suzette. Unfortunately it cost him TEN thousand dollars in platinum (pain) to get it.